Butt-Hurt and Petty

 I called my best friend yesterday morning because I needed some positivity, a skill she has in pounds.  I was contemplating not buying a gift for someone.  Actually, I was considering not buying a gift from someone as a knee-jerk reaction to just being butt-hurt about something.  
But she didn't have any for me, she refused to give me any, and worse, she threw my own words back at me.  

S and I went to a house party the previous night, a 50th birthday for the host.  I enjoy his friends - there's always some interesting discussions, and much to S's embarrassment, there is always talk of the old days, the days way before I came into his life.  He always apologises afterwards, assuming I would find that talk boring since I wasn't there, but I honestly do enjoy them - they always reveal something.  
One of the wives, for whatever reason, brought up the stag parties of S and his ex-wife.  I know S had a great time, but his ex-wife - not so much.  As it was explained to me, it was one of the most uncomfortable things she had ever attended, and the guest of honour didn't seem to have a good time.  Sometimes things reveal themselves early, but we choose to ignore them intentionally. 
While at the party, as though she had heard her name mentioned, the ex-wife had started messaging S. She had altered our plans, created new ones, and explained that other future plans were likely to change as well.  We were at a party, so I didn't talk about it with S at the time, but by the next morning, I was ruminating about the whole thing.  
The first message said that his youngest didn't want to go to the hockey game she had wanted to go to. I had already bought the tickets.  It's not for another month and a half, and she's five; I'm sure she will change her mind multiple times within that span of time, provided her mother just leaves the topic alone and stops with the manipulation.  
But the second topic stung.  
We had plans two weekends from now to host a small birthday party at our place for his eldest.  It was now not going to happen, and instead, they were going out for dinner, and I was not invited.  In fact, the answer was that it would be 'family only.' 
Ok - I get it.  I am not technically family. I may never be seen as a true member of the family, and may never be seen as an honourary one.  There have been several other events that I have been told I cannot attend because they are for family only.  

But this one stung.  

A week before, I had asked his oldest what he wanted for his birthday.  Before I had finished the sentence, he replied with "Cash".  I don't usually give gifts of money, so I asked if there was something he was saving up for.  
"No.  I just want the money."  
It was rude.  It was entitled.  It was the answer of the 13-year-old boy.  
When added to the mix, being unceremoniously uninvited to celebrate his birthday with him, the messaging became clear.  He just doesn't want to be around me. But of course, he still wanted a gift.  

But to make matters worse, neither of the parents made any corrections to his behaviour.  No one told the eldest that he was being rude or entitled. Not S and certainly not his mother.  Part of the sting was that no one stood up for me.  Despite how hard I have tried to be kind, accepting, and easy-going in a situation that is always going to be awkward and difficult. My efforts don't matter.
I'm just the girlfriend, and I don't matter.  

Yesterday morning, I had plans to go into Halifax to look for a Christmas gift for the eldest - a gift he had shown me he wanted months ago, and I had been eager to buy for him.  But yesterday morning, on the heels of that sting, I had no desire to buy it for him, or anything for him for that matter.  I knew I was being petty, but I just couldn't shake it.  This is where I called the bestie, and she threw my words back to me.  

Killing them with kindness isn't working. Do something different.
Be honest and then say it.  
This is not how you should be treated.  Go change it.

So I did.  I told S how the situation made me feel.  I felt hurt.  I felt that no one stood up for me.  I felt I was being diminished.  (Add a few tears in there that I had no control over.)  He heard me. He said that he felt I was part of his family, but perhaps he needed to express it more clearly, and stated that he would discuss what happened with both his ex-wife and son. But after his birthday, so it doesn't put any damper on the day for him.  

Will it happen?  Will it change anything?  Will I be further ahead for it?  Time will only tell.  
But my bestie was right.  (Or was I right when it was my own advice that I've given to her?) I felt better after I had stood up for myself, and by that evening, I was back to being ready to buy that gift I had on my list for him.  I can let go of being butt-hurt, I can let the people involved take care of it how they see fit, and I can let me get back to being a cheerleader for this family that I'm unofficially a part of.  (How are you doing, Mel Robbins?)

Side Note: When someone says they only want cash for a gift, and it's not because they have something they are saving for, or a debt they need help with, how does that make you feel?  To me, when the eldest boy told me he only wanted cash and there was no real reason for it, the message I received was that he didn't want me to put any effort into a gift for them because it wouldn't be appreciated.